Macee's Home

The pregnancy with Macee was smooth sailing until the end. No issues. She thrived and grew. And I absolutely loved feeling her move. I can still remember the first time I felt her kick. I was thrilled to feel her, as if it were my first pregnancy. And she was so active the entire time.

At night when I would roll over to my other side, I could tell I had interrupted her comfortable position. She would push back as if to have a little attitude to let me know that she didn't like it. I would put my hand on my stomach and feel her move away and even in the quiet dark hours, a smile would cross my face. I could feel her little personality. I loved feeling her as I laid down at night, which was when she was the most active. She would kick and roll around. Travis and I loved that time. The entire pregnancy whenever she moved, I would put my hand on my stomach just to feel her. I liked to imagine what she looked like and was doing in there. I loved talking to her and telling her how much I loved her.

I know I had a good home for her. I stayed active, ate healthy, went to every doctor appointment, took my prenatal vitamins, rested, knew her daily patterns, and we all spent time talking and singing to her. She grew and was a healthy and beautiful little thing. I am proud of that. I am proud that I could help her to grow and carry her for nearly 9 months. It was one of the greatest privileges of my life.

I would be the only home she would ever know in this life.

That is such a profound and amazing thought that I have thought about so much over the past few months. And for that, she and I will always be connected even if we are worlds apart. And it's what made losing her that much harder. Because she and I were a team for all that time. I took her wherever we went. She knew the sound of my heart from the inside. She was soothed by my voice and inner sounds. And I was soothed by her kicks and squirms.

Knowing what I know now- that that was my only time with her, I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had slowed down a little more and been more calm. I wish I hadn't stressed so much about getting everything done before she was born. I wouldn't have ever raised my voice. I would have sung to her more and stopped to lay down more often just to feel her move for hours, maybe even months. But instead, I felt the urgency to get everything done which I know is a natural instinct that a mother feels. I wanted everything to be perfect... for Macee. I worked so hard and felt the stress and showed it in how I reacted and spoke at times. But that's the thing about grief, it makes you have regrets even when there is no way you could have ever known. Travis constantly reminds me that all he saw the whole pregnancy was how much I loved her and took care of her. And he saw that I was only stressed because I just wanted everything to be done when she was born so that I could just sit and cuddle her and do nothing else. It was out of pure love. And I thought I had the rest of her life to sing to her, hold her, talk to her, and relax. That is a lesson Macee has taught me- that you never know, so don't wait.

But don't be mistaken, I took a lot of time each day to be still and feel her move and talk to her. Sometimes I wonder if any amount would have seemed like enough? I am grateful for those times when I would place my hands on my stomach to feel her move and talk to her. I truly felt joy in her squirms and in knowing that she was growing inside of me. I loved her so much. More than I even realized at the time. And I am just grateful that I could be her home. That I could be her vessel in living and gaining a body. I am grateful for every second I got to carry her. And I hope she felt my endless love for her.

Here are the only pregnancy pictures I took. I cherish them now.

18 Weeks

24 Weeks

26 Weeks

32 Weeks

 34 Weeks

36 Weeks

 Macee's birth day
(Hence the forced smile and swollen eyes)

Our Angel's Space

I worked on sweet Macee's nursery for months. I wanted it to be a sweet and relaxing place for her and me to sit for hours each day together. I wanted it to be a space ready just for her. And it almost was. We planned to finish the room the week that she passed.

We look around with everything perfectly ready for Macee. The beautiful dresses are ironed and hanging. The drawers neatly hold the tiny clothes we looked forward to putting her in. The empty crib sits ready for her peaceful slumber. The newly covered rocking chair is ready to soothe a baby in the middle of the night. The dresser holds the soft changing pad that I made to lay her on and a lamp to softly light the room in the night. How we wish this room would have served it's original purpose.

But we still love this sweet room because it is HER space. It is our Macee's room. Our daughter's room. Even though we didn't get to use the room as planned, we have still used it for her. We often rock in the rocking chair and think of her. The dresser has become a place for her things, pictures, and the love that has been poured down upon us in her memory. Travis and I have our sad, heart-to-heart talks in there and we pray together. Many prayers of despair and heartbreak have been said it this room. We mourn for her in there. We go in there if we need a quiet moment. And oh, how we cry in there. I often go there to fall apart. It is where I sob on the floor and talk to her. It is also where we feel her and the peace of where she is.

We love this room because we remember her in there. We remember our hopes and dreams for her. We remember our indescribably love for her. We remember her short, meaningful life. We remember those precious few hours of holding her. We remember how her hair curled and how her face squished with sweet full lips puckering out. We remember that she lived. We remember that she was real and that she moved and grew. We remember that she heard us sing to her, pray in her behalf, laugh, cry, and talk to her all day. She knew us. And we somehow knew her.

Macee has a place in our family, so it seems appropriate that she has her own place in our home. One day in the future this room will be something else. But until we figure out what the future holds for us, it will be Macee's room. Every morning and night when I open and close the blinds, I say "Good Morning/Night, Macee. I love you." I vacuum and dust her room, though it really doesn't need it. It allows me to take care of her in some way. And it's appropriate that we decorated the room in birds. Because she is our sweet bird that left the nest early and flew home where she waits for us.

Here is Macee's sweet, simple room. How we wish she were in there with us. But we feel her in there.

Beautiful Pictures

I wanted to post these ultrasound pictures because are the only pictures that we have of Macee when she was full of life and growing. We could have never imagined that when we had the ultrasound at 20 weeks. They are so precious now. I love that the main profile looks like she is smiling. She looks so happy and content inside me. What a precious gift to carry an angel for those 8 1/2 months.

New Rooms

To make room for our sweet Macee, we added a bedroom and played musical rooms.

We finished a part of our basement to make another bedroom. We originally planned on it being Hadley's room until we saw that it was bigger and it only made sense for the queen bed to go in there. So Travis finished the bedroom for Makenna. Hadley moved into Makenna's old room. And Camden moved into Hadley's old room. And Camden's old room became the nursery. See, it was like musical chairs, only with rooms. It was a ton of work!

We had some talented women come paint an accent wall in both of the girls' rooms. They both got to choose the paint color, which ended up being their favorite colors. We had to repaint a dresser and shelf for Hadley's room. We also completely redecorated her room, including bedding, colors, etc. They both turned out so cute and both girls LOVE their new rooms. Travis and I are just extremely glad to be done!

Their rooms were completed (mostly) just days before Macee's passing. They ended up being such a bright spot and something to look forward to in such a dark time for us. It was so nice when people came to visit that the girls had something exciting to show people. I am grateful for those new, stylish spaces that gave my broken-hearted girls a place they looked forward to being in.

HADLEY'S ROOM

Hadley decided she wanted a pink, girly room. It was fun to decorate. We decided to do pink, white, gold, and a little aqua. We even splurged on a chandelier. The room is so Hadley. She absolutely loves it. Now if she could just keep it clean. :) 

We had to pick a pink paint color, which is no easy task. Pinks are hard because you don't want them too bubble-gummy or peachy. So after 4 samples, we finally found our color. Here are the colors just in case anyone is in the market for the perfect pink. 

(The painting ladies still need to come and finish the edges of the accent wall.)

MAKENNA'S ROOM 

We refinished a space in our basement for Makenna's new room. We already had most of her decorations. She wanted it painted aqua blue (her favorite color).  We decided to do a chevron-stripes accent wall. The talented painting ladies added the cool medallian stencils. It turned out so great. It is so Makenna and grown up.

Construction Time! Hadley is sitting at the newly constructed wall. 

Finished walls and painting!

 

This is one on my favorite parts of the room that came out from where we put the closet. A cute little entryway.

CAMDEN'S ROOM

We moved Camden's room just next door to where he was. It is a bigger room, which is perfect for a growing boy. We added a shelf and painted the little table that used to be in Hadley's room. Other than that, it was just a matter of moving it all. It's fun to have a boy room in our house.