Mommy & Camden Time

I absolutely love my time with Camden every day. During the day, it's just he and I. And I love every bit of it. He is so happy and funny. He keeps me smiling. He is so sweet and affectionate. He has really helped pull me through the last months. I feel so lucky to have this time with him every day.
I love these selfies that he took.

Just the two of us went out to lunch this day. (Which we often do when we are running errands.) I love our funny conversations. Love this energetic boy!

Ski Date= Torn ACL

Travis and I got to get away for a day of skiing at Targhee, partly for Travis' birthday. Targhee is at the top of our list of places we like to ski. And we enjoy when we can occasionally go skiing kid- free.  We can just cruise down the slopes and talk on the lifts. It was a great day of skiing. Part of the day was foggy and pancake light as they call it- so it was hard to see much. So after lunch when it was clear, we had fun being able to ski faster. We found a steeper, shorter run that was smooth and fun to just cruise down.

This is where the ski trip goes downhill, no pun intended. I decided on the third time down this run that I would challenge myself to go a little faster. I was skiing it pretty awesome if I must say so myself. ;) And then BAM! I went down. I remember falling and thinking I'm okay. Then the momentum of my fall caused my body to go one way but my ski held my leg the other way. And I just remember I was sliding head first down this steep slope and even through the loudness of crashing on the snow, I heard this loud hollow gunshot-like pop and felt a pain in my left knee. And is all I could think was, what just happened to my knee?!?! Once I got myself to stop, my knee was bent weird and in so much pain, but I couldn't lift the weight of my ski to straighten my leg. Travis skied up to me and I just shouted, "Straighten my leg." Once my leg was straight, I just laid there in pain with my head going downslope trying to figure out how I was going to get off the mountain. Travis said that he could see that I had skied right over a tree stump that had just barely been covered with snow. Stupid stump! I finally stood up and could put some weight on my knee, though there were was pain. I slid down the slope on my good leg then tried out a few turns on the flat ground. And I could still ski, which was good because we still had to go up the lift in order to ski to the lodge. I was able to slowly ski to the lodge, though I was in pain. At that point when I took my skis off, I really felt the pain when I had to walk. I just tried not to think about what this could mean for my knee long-term. I sat down in a chair while Travis made another run. Luckily, the resort had a fire going and free s'mores you could make. I told Travis that a s'more tends to make most things better. So he roasted a s'more for me. So I was glad that we could still end our ski trip on a bright note. 

After going to dinner and hobbling around all night,  I researched the pop noise that I had heard and my heart sunk. It was most likely a torn ACL. I was so discouraged and just cried. It really knocked me down for a few days, emotionally and physically. I felt so defeated. I just didn't know how I could do something else hard when I was still trying to find my way through the loss of my precious baby. I cried for a few days and laid in bed. But then I woke up one morning and was ready to be done feeling sorry for myself and I was ready to face whatever I needed to do for my knee. I had been through the horrific ordeal of losing my baby, so this was nothing compared to that. I could get through this, even if it felt like just one more thing. My own tenacity still surprises me. It's only in really hard trials that you find that you have it. The past 8 months has really shown me the tenacity that I have within me. That I am able to face something hard and still be optimistic and happy. I don't know where it comes from. Maybe from hope? Hope that there are better days ahead. Or maybe from a new found appreciation for the good in my life? I'm just glad that I was able to dig deep and find it once again.

And so after a doctor appointment, and x-ray, and a super expensive MRI, it was confirmed that my ACL was completely torn. At this point I had come to accept it. I am not jumping into surgery, though I think it is definitely in my future. I just can't add surgery and recovery to all that I am still dealing with. It will have to wait for a while. 

At least I got a cute picture before heading down this impending slope behind me. :)

S'mores in the middle of winter!!!

My expensive pictures of my knee. The MRI image is pretty impressive.

One Year Older

Travis turned 38 this year. He had to do the math to figure out how old he was going to be. He was shocked that he is only 2 years away from being 40! Where has the time gone? He was 22 when I first met him! But he still acts like that funny 22 year old I met. I think 38 looks pretty good on him.

 This is what happens when you give a 4-year old free reign on decorating the cake. He said daddy needs a lot of candles. :)

For Travis' birthday, he just wanted a good dinner and the usual chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.

This was Camden's birthday card to Travis. This is a picture of Travis and Camden outside in the snow with the lights hanging above.

Mommy Hadley

Hadley loves her Bitty Baby. She spent some money she got for Christmas (Thanks Susan!) on a Bitty Baby book. She dressed her baby in the new outfit and blanket she got for Christmas and read to her on the living room floor. I had to take a picture of this sweet scene. She's such a good little mommy.

Just Like Daddy

Camden loves his daddy and wants to be just like him. It's the cutest thing. And Travis loves having his little buddy accompanying him in everything he does.

He constantly wants to be dressed just like Travis. During the summer when he was choosing his clothes he would ask, "what is daddy wearing?' He has to wear a hat if Travis does. If Travis is wearing cargo shorts, so is Camden. If daddy is wearing cargo shorts and tennis shoes, so is Camden. Just yesterday, he had to wear a belt with his jeans just like his dad. :)

He also wants to act like his dad. He "mows the lawn" when his dad mows the lawn. He gets out his tools to fix things when his dad is fixing something. He cleans if his dad is cleaning. He loves to go to the store with Travis. The cutest is their little tradition after mowing the lawn, they go and drop the grass off at the dump and go get treats (usually a sucker) and Daddy's Pepsi. So cute.

This day Camden had to wear a sweatshirt and hat like Travis.

Helping Daddy put up the lights

Mowing the Lawn Together

I absolutely love these pictures of Travis and Camden laughing. It captures how playful of a dad Travis is. He was asking Camden funny questions and making him laugh after dinner.

2016!

New Year's Eve is always exciting, but low key for us. We spent the day skiing. Travis taught Camden while I skied with the girls. I love following my girls down the mountain. They are so cute. They thought it was fun to follow each other and complete a figure 8. I thought that was pretty darn good that they have such control with their turns. Travis worked hard and by the end of the day Camden was going down the hill with Travis' assistance. Travis and I switched in the afternoon. And skiing with Camden was exhausting! I don't know how Travis has taught all of our kids to ski. It was so much work to ski with him between my legs or for me to ski backwards. My legs were dying and I was sweating. Camden told Travis, "Mommy is a bad teacher.". Ha ha. I am more than happy to let Travis have that job. We all had a good time skiing together.

For New Years Eve, we planned to play games, sing karaoke, have sparkling cider, and shoot our confetti cannon that I had ordered. Makenna went to a friends party for a few hours while the rest of us watched a movie. After we picked up Makenna, we were all so pooped from skiing. So we decided to watch a Harry Potter movie until midnight. Well, only Travis made it to midnight (which is so ironic since usually he is the first to go to sleep). We were all so tired we all fell asleep on the couch together. How lame are we?!

We were all bummed to not have our fun night, so we decided to recreate New Years Eve. It was still New Years Day, so it was cool. We started our night much earlier. After playing a few games, rocking out to karaoke (I think Travis and I have the most fun with that), watching the ball drop (recorded), shooting the confetti cannon, and doing cheers with sparkling ciders, we officially declared it 2016!

Here's to hoping this year is kinder to our family! And that we can continue to remember our sweet Macee and strive to be better for her. 

 Our cute snow bunnies!

 Skiing wore Cam out!  He fell asleep in literally 2 minutes in the car.

Makenna at her friends party

Watch this video of our confetti cannon!

 Confetti!!!

This was so funny. As soon as we finished with the confetti cannon and the toast, Camden went and got bags to clean up the confetti and our New Years treat. Nobody told him to go get those. Ha ha. He is so his dad- needing to clean up the mess right away.

The girls were playing Polly Pockets New Years morning in their matching nightgowns. It was so cute that I had to take a picture. When they are grown, I will miss these days of toys spread out across the living room floor.

X-Country Ski Date @ Harriman

Travis and I got to get away to cross-country ski at Harriman State Park. Harriman State Park is my favorite place to cross-country ski. Its where I really learned how to ski when I was in college. And the trumpeting swans add to the winter wonderland. I have many great memories skiing here with friends and Travis.

Since Christmas, my spirits had been down. That seems to be how milestones or holidays go now- there is a deep sadness that follows them. These waves of grief are hard. And I am learning the thing that seems to get me out of it is getting out in nature and being active. A good friend offered to take my kids for the day, so it gave Travis and I some time together. And the fresh winter Idaho air ended up being just what we needed.

It was cold that day- 13 degrees for the high. But we didn't mind. We bundled up and headed out. We ended up skiing over 6 miles and we were toasty. We only saw a few people, which was nice. The forest was beautiful- everything was covered with snow. And we even got to ski in fresh falling snow. It was so quiet and peaceful. That's the healing part of nature. Travis and I enjoyed skiing along together. We went off the path a little to the end of a lake where a bunch of trumpeting swans were swimming and the snow was falling. It was beautiful. We stopped at the cute warming hut on our way back.

We had a picnic lunch in the warm car when we got back to the trailhead. It really was so nice to have some time with just Travis and I. It's always good to step away from our busy life and take time for one another. I was grateful this day. And it didn't end there because another friend took my kids for a sleepover for the night. So after skiing, we stopped and went to the new Star Wars movie and dinner. It was a great day away from responsibilities. And I felt my spirits starting to lift a little. And during a wave of grief, I will take that.

After 14 years of being together, we still love spending time together.