Taking Brielle to See Macee

Taking Brielle to Macee's resting spot was such a heavy thing to do. I think it was a mixture between grief, love, gratitude, and guilt. It almost felt like two worlds colliding- in one world, we are heartbroken and missing our baby and in the other, we are so grateful and joyous to have our new baby. But yet, these world are interdependent and connected.

I asked the kids and Travis to give me time alone at Macee's headstone when we got there to allow me to feel what I needed to feel and to introduce Brielle to this sacred place. It was so emotional to hold my little baby in front of my other baby's headstone. I just cried and thanked Macee for taking care of Brielle and escorting her here. It is hard to explain how it feels to have a beautiful baby here because my other baby didn't make it here. How can my heart ever comprehend that? I wish so much our family would have gotten to keep both baby girls, but that wasn't the plan.

After time crying and looking down at my precious new baby, Travis and the kids joined me and we talked to Macee and kissed our precious baby who we appreciated and loved so much. Then we decorated Macee's headstone for fall, which looked so pretty. We sure love and miss our Macee girl.

 Travis snuck out and took some pictures and I'm glad he did because it's a precious memory full of so many different emotions. 

Our Five Children

I see such joy in their faces in this picture. They have been through such a heartbreak that other kids their age couldn't imagine. And now they have a little baby sister to hold and love her on earth. And I just feel their joy and healing.

4 Kids+ 1 Angel

 I can't believe that we have 4 kids under our roof (with one watching over). We are so very blessed!

Can you tell they love their baby sister (3 weeks old)?

Brielle's First Month

Brielle's first month flew by! It made me sad, but at the same time I was happy that we had the first month under our belt. We are starting to get the hang of things around here, though it is still crazy and  revolves around Brielle, which we will totally take! Every first was emotional for us and there was this extra layer of gratitude for them all.

A day in the life of Brielle

 Brielle loves bath time

Loves sucking on her hands

 Camden is the funniest brother- he handcuffed Brielle! Ha ha.

Beautiful Little Laundry

After we lost Macee, I was so sad to not have her tiny clothes mixed in with our laundry. There should have been onsies, sleepers, teeny socks, soft blankets, burp cloths, and tiny outfits to fold and put away. I know it's such an odd place to have a painful reminder, but it was something that was obviously missing. It dug at my heart for so long.

So fastforward a year later, I had these emotional reservations about washing the baby clothes before Brielle was born. I still remember the guilt I felt when I prewashed her newborn clothes and blankets. I felt guilty because it was something that had been missing from our laundry with our baby Macee. I didn't want it to seem like we were replacing Macee with this baby.

But after Brielle was born and here safely, doing her laundry struck my heart with absolute gratitude. I cried the first few times I folded her tiny, precious clothes and blankets with my swaddled baby sleeping by me. It was so healing for me. I wouldn't let Travis fold her laundry for months because I wanted it all to myself since I was so heartbroken to not have those tiny clothes with Macee. Even now months later, it is still a reminder that we have a cherished baby in our home.

Two Weeks

Brielle is such a cuddly little thing. She is such a sleepy baby, just like she was in the womb. It's hard to get her to eat because she just wants to sleep. But that means lots of cuddling for all of us! She is so beautiful and those cheeks get kissed a hundred times a day. We are still so in awe of her. It's such a tender experience for our family to have a baby in our home again.

The kids were home for harvest break, which was nice so that we didn't have to worry about a schedule but hard because it was chaotic. It was especially hard to have Travis drive truck 14 hours a day while I was at home recovering from surgery, taking care of a newborn, and entertaining 3 other kids. It was definitely rough at times, especially since I was sleep deprived. But nonetheless, we were just so relieve to have this baby in our lives. So we made the best of spending time together and not having to worry about school and homework. But I was SO grateful when my sister and mom came and got the kids for a long weekend- I got to rest and the kids had a blast.

Look at these cute skinny feet like Makenna's and Macee's. Notice the little marks where they have taken blood to test her bilirubin. :(

Here is what mornings look like around here right now. I couldn't love it anymore.

 

                                        Look at this cuteness!                                        Lots of this cuddling

First Week

Brielle's first week home was like a dream for us. We were all over the moon to have this beautiful baby girl in our home. She has stolen our hearts. Macee knew what she was doing when she sent her to our family. She was pretty much always being held when she wasn't sleeping. We think she's the most beautiful thing. We found ourselves constantly saying to each other, "She's so cute!" I love seeing Makenna, Hadley, and Camden with her. It is the sweetest. My favorite is just holding her when she's sleeping. It's so tender when Travis and the kids will tell me to just sit down and hold our baby because I've earned it. They know how much my heart needs to just cradle this baby in my arms. But I do share occasionally since we all need the healing that comes with holding this precious girl. Travis has been amazing taking care of our family, new baby, me, and our home. It really is a joint effort to take care of a newborn!

 

 

                                                                                                                                        Birthday buddies

                                          First sponge bath at home
                                         (not a fan)

1 Week Old!