Macee's Send Off

I like to think of Macee's funeral as her send-off. It was our time to show her how much she is loved and that we will make our way back to her. And that it was okay for her to go to her throne in heaven. It was a day of closure. It was our time to put her sweet, perfect body to rest and dedicate her sacred resting spot on earth. We knew she didn't need her little body anymore. And we just reminded ourselves that she wasn't there in that body anymore.

But don't be mistaken- it was a tough day. It was SO overwhelming. It was full of sadness and heartbreak. And I remember just pushing through it, like a task I had to accomplish. I had just come home from the hospital the day before. I had had a surgery, so I was in pain and exhausted. I had just had a baby 2 days before. What woman wants to go out two days after giving birth and put on a dress?! I looked as horrible as I felt. But in the perspective of all that I was dealing with, what I looked like didn't matter much. And to top things off, my milk came in that morning. The emotional weight of that was indescribable. My amazing body didn't know that my baby was gone. It produced exactly what she needed. It was heartbreaking and beautiful. I look back and wonder how I made it through it all that day? But I did it. I did it because I didn't have much other choice. My Macee and my family needed me to do it all that day.

The odd thing is that I don't remember it being a terrible day. Of course I remember the sadness. How could I not? But I also remember just feeling love that day. I felt so much love for my beautiful daughter that chose me to be her mother. I felt love for the Savior and those family members that had gone before us, whom all now held our daughter. I felt love for my other sweet kids that were learning what a heartbreak felt like. I felt love for my amazing husband who had planned the entire funeral from our hospital room. I felt so loved and so much love for Travis as he gave the most beautiful talk I had ever heard about what Macee had taught us. I felt love from our family that came for us and to send Macee off with love. I felt love from our ward family that took care of the luncheon. I felt love from those that sent flowers that softened the church room where we held her funeral.

I also felt a sense of relief in putting her body to rest in her spot near us. I felt such a peace in dedicating her sacred gravesite. I felt like I could rest now. And grieve. That I could feel and cry. But her little body was where it needed to be. I had done my part in growing and carrying her body. I had delivered her and held and kissed her. I had dressed her precious body in her pretty white dress and brushed her soft hair. I had wrapped her body in the softest white blanket. And now I had made sure that she was in a peaceful resting place that was dedicated by the priesthood.

And now the hardest part was yet to come: missing and longing for her.

 I love this picture of Makenna and Hadley loving their baby sister.

 Macee and I have matching bracelets.